A reflection of 2015. A slightly more personal letter from me to the universe. And to you.

If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s the question, “What if?” The word “maybe” makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

A couple of days ago, I received a request to speak about mistakes on a business podcast. I turned it down because, personally, I don’t believe in the concept of mistakes. Of course, I’m not proud whenever I notice I’ve hurt someone. But then, I might not hurt someone else the same way again. Or at least, I try not to.

In my opinion, everything we’ve done, everything we’ve decided, and every path we chose to walk brought us to where we are today.

Was, then, any of our decisions a mistake?

At the end of 2014, a couple of days before 2015 rolled around – the year I turned 29 – I decided to take on all (!) of the things that were bothering me for years and finally solve them. No longer did I care if I’d screw up. If things would go wrong. I knew that I no longer wanted to ask myself, "What if?”. I had enough.

I had three major issues that bothered me for years. In a deeper sense, they were all, in one way or another, connected to my identity. Even something as small as my Czech passport suddenly became a thing I could no longer tolerate and leave unsolved.

2015 was supposed to be the year I’d finally deal with everything that felt utterly wrong to who I was.

And so, the quest began.

Step by step, I took on the things that bothered me about myself and my identity.

Today, it’s the 17th of January and I’m sitting here reflecting on my 2015. Something many others have done last month already and luckily shared on Medium.

I read many of the articles. I believe that these articles help reflect and ponder over one’s personal situation. And so, as grateful as I am to everyone who has shared their reflection of 2015 with others, I hope that you too will appreciate that I’m sharing mine.  

So far, on this very January, the 17th of 2016, none of the things I planned to solve for myself in 2015 have actually been solved. Some of the things I’ve done to deal with my personal problems have turned out as, at least from other people’s perspective, wrong decisions. Mistakes, so to say. However, even though I haven’t solved any of the issues I planned to, and even made some of them worse than before, I can at least say I’ve found closure with some and can now move on. I can move on because I know I’ve tried.

If the worst thing that can happen is that others will think I’m an idiot, it’s well worth trying, so I’ve tried to reach out to people who no longer wanted to have me in their lives. I’ve said my honest opinion to the people who have hurt me. I’ve come clear about my feelings to others who have touched me deeply, and I’ve found the strength to keep my thoughts to myself whenever I feel it’s not yet the right time to force a solution. I’ve anticipated to overcome the things that bother me only to be able to say, once in the future, maybe even today, that I’ve tried. That there is no maybe, no what if.

I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’ve stood up and I would do everything I’ve done in the past the same way all over again. Because all of my decisions have brought me to where I am now, and now is a great place to be. And if, in the moment, it’s not, I’m at least old enough to be able to say that it’s a phase and that better times will come. Tomorrow. In a week. Or a month.

I’ve learned to respect time and know there is something as the right timing too.

What I’m most proud of is that in 2015, I lived more in the moment than probably in any other year before. Living in the “now” was something I had strived for for years, and I’m proud to say that I’ve reached that very state of mind. I might sometimes miss other places and wish to be with people who aren’t where I am, but I feel comfortable in the place I’m in that very moment, and I do so at all times. Saying this after having spent three weeks in my bedroom truly feels like an accomplishment.

When it comes to what I plan to do in 2016, I can only say that I will continue putting out more of my work (which is something I’ve already began doing this year) because it’s the only way for me to get better at what I do. I will continue being straightforward about my feelings, even though I sometimes apologize that I might come across as an idiot. And I will say “yes” to more chances that come my way because there are plenty out there. And I will not be sad if people decide they’re better off without me in their lives because other people appreciate having me. And that’s what counts.

What I hope is that people will feel comfortable being straightforward with me. That they will consider asking crazy questions and make unexpected plans. And that 2016 will be a year where “now” is even more enjoyable than the “now’s" of 2015.

How about you?