Best books on people science and communication.

I remember this one day, when I was 16, as if it were yesterday. I pushed the sliding door open to enter my first boyfriend's parents’ house. Danny's mother was sitting in the kitchen. She seemed troubled. "Moni, I need to talk to you about something. Karin said she thinks you're extremely impolite. You never give her your hand." 

I was confused and replied: "What do you mean? I'm not supposed to give her my hand. I'm younger than her. It's inappropriate." 

Growing up in the Czech Republic, I'd learned that the older woman offers her hand to the younger woman. Women offer their hand to the man. And the older man offers his hand to the younger man. In the Czech Republic, we learned there was a social hierarchy, and, to this day, it never would have occurred to me such social rules could be different in other countries. 

I suddenly learned that what I've learned is polite in the Czech Republic isn't in other countries. Over time and 25+ moves later, I can only say it's almost impossible to get things right every time. 

I've mentioned several times I've studied interior architecture. However, I think I only ended up working in communications because I've mastered "getting it wrong" when it comes to dealing with people. And I think it's due to my obsession with trying to get it right that I've looked into all sorts of communication techniques and eventually made it my job. It's thanks to these books that I've been more or less succeeding at it. At least sometimes.  

Alone, Together, Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other – Sherry Turkle

I moved to Austria when I was 14. It was thanks to ICQ, an old-school instant messenger, that I learned German and started making friends. 

The internet has made social connectivity accessible to me. Simultaneously, it's also helped me stay in touch with friends as I moved from city to city and country to country.

Sherry Turkle investigated how social media changed how we communicate and relate to each other. 

As someone who works in digital, I need to be aware of what the messages I put out – either on my behalf but also on behalf of my clients – do to people. Sherry’s perspective has helped me define what I find ethically correct and what I don’t, which is why I believe it's such a vital resource for everyone who works in marketing. 

Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age – Sherry Turkle 

"The virtuous circle breaks down: Afraid of being alone, we struggle to pay attention to ourselves. And what suffers is our ability to pay attention to each other. If we can't find our center, we lose our confidence in what we have to offer others." 

Just like I explained in my TEDx talk, I've always seen digital as an incredible way to learn new skills and connect with others. With so many people sharing their knowledge and experiences online, I believe that it's thanks to the internet that we all have mentors at our fingertips. 

Having been an early adopter of Instagram, I've seen its best sides: I've met incredible people from around the world and even went on a vacation with someone I had talked to online for four years before we decided to go on a big trip. However, it's also thanks to platforms such as Instagram that people see being online as a presence that “must be maintained.” To many, it's not about genuine sharing; it's about collecting tokens of approval in the form of likes, follows, and comments. 

In this book, Reclaiming Conversation, Sherry Turkle looks at what role our digital devices play in our lives. She examines how our sense of intimacy has changed, how our phones and the ability to communicate and lookup data in an instant changed the perception of friendship. 

For the Love of Men: A New Vision For Mindful Masculinity – Liz Plank

I've always felt slightly uncomfortable about the feminist debate. Sometimes, it feels too aggressive for my taste. At other times, it comes closer to man-bashing than female empowerment. However, what I have often felt is completely missing from the feminist discussion is how men must be a part of it but seem left out.

There’d be events for female entrepreneurs and such, and not a single man would be in the room. Invitations and circles would sometimes feel gendered and exclusive. 

"When I speak to adult audiences, I usually start my talk by asking who has kids. After those people raise their hands, I tell them to keep their hands up if they have ever told their daughter that she can do anything that a boy can do. Most people proudly keep their hands raised. When I ask who has told their son that he can do anything that a girl can do, the room goes silent because almost every single hand goes down." 

Often and even with the best intention, we create what we're so strictly against. I genuinely hope Liz Plank's research becomes as well known as some of the world's most cited quotes about feminism. She highlights gender bias and how we help create them...sometimes entirely unconsciously. 

Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People – Vanessa van Edwards

People often consider me an extrovert. They are then surprised to find out I'm not too fond of big gatherings and unstructured conversations. While starting a conversation with a stranger has never been an issue for me, trying to socialize at parties for sure has. I'll always check on my energy levels and most likely leave around midnight at the very latest. It's easy for me to focus entirely on one person. It's not so easy to focus on someone in a big crowd. Thus, for me, reading Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People felt like real bliss. 

In Captivate, Vanessa analytically breaks down social interactions and even suggests actionable fixes to make socializing feel more genuine. While some observations are more than obvious, others might clarify something you’ve been wondering about for decades. 

The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters – Priya Parker

As part of my work, I've organized and hosted several events – most of them on a tiny budget. The sole premise was to bring together people that care for a specific cause or want to learn about something. 

As someone who struggles with groups, I've always paid attention to making events for people who feel like I do less awkward. Sometimes, I used strategies that might have seemed contradictory – such as separating groups at the entrance of an event to make everyone enter the room as an individual so that they’d have to form a new group. 

Reading The Art of Gathering has almost been like being handed a toolbox on how to create engaging events. Priya Parker shared terrific tips on how to pay attention to the small details that make a low-cost event just as successful as a properly funded one. A book worth re-reading a couple of times.  

How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie

Many of my conflicts in life are rooted in cultural diversity. As someone who was born in the Czech Republic, then moved to Austria, then Britain and The Netherlands, followed by Germany and extended periods in the United States, I might not get upset about certain things as much. However, I still manage to upset others sometimes. 

Dale Carnegie's book is one we should probably all read. He maps out principles and gives guidance on how to behave in tricky situations. His advice is helpful yet also hard to implement at times. It's one of the books you should re-read annually and maybe one day learn by heart. It would definitely make life easier. I do wish I could manage to implement my advice. :) 

I'd love to hear what your favorite communication books are. When it comes to interpersonal communication, I still feel like I have a lot to learn, but don't we all?