I felt grief. But that's three years ago. A Corona reflection.
How are you doing?
The other day my friend Matt shared something he read on Facebook with me:
“It’s 7:40 pm on a school night, 20 min until “bedtime” in our house, yet there is almost 18” of fresh snow outside. Under normal circumstances, we would have had the kids inside at 6 pm for dinner and shower and bedtime routine. But now? Let them play. Let them rage in the snow until they’re ready to come in and eat, and then go to bed. If it’s 10 pm, so be it. Just look at them, let this joy lodge into their subconscious that delivers a continuous current of peace for the rest of their lives.
I am not going to dwell on all the horrible things happening in the world right now. They are too many to count, and I’m in a lucky few that are food and shelter secure. But I can tell you that my kids will look back on this time in fondness.
They might remember:
They were learning, but at a pace designed more around their curiosity rather than a schedule and curriculum. They ate meals, but more around when their bodies were hungry rather than the time of day. They played games with mom and dad, who were eager for quality time, rather than exhausted from the day’s busyness. They went to bed when tired and woke up when energized, not because of some preordained cultural schedule. They are helpful around the house because they see the work mom and dad do in the cracks of the day and aren’t exhausted from an over-scheduled life. They still do their extracurricular activities, but a fewer number and only the ones that they loved the most.
I’ve had a glimpse. A glimpse of what could be if we took the good things from this period and married them with the good stuff from “normal” life. When “normal” was stressed and exhausted and late and unhealthy and uncreative and distant and impatient, all the time.
I wonder how we can rewrite our future now to blend the two time periods into an optimal life. Part of me is desperate to go back. But another part never wants this to end.
I’m not sure what that future could look like, but my brain is enjoying the exploration of what’s possible. Some homeschool-classroom hybrid? Work from home schedule 75% of the time? Communities prioritizing exercise? Don’t spend time or money on the stuff that doesn’t matter... like my wardrobe or new furniture or a car. Spend time on things like video conferences with loved ones far away. Save the planet in the process.
I pray that we learn from this. That it’s enough to reorient all of our habits and our commerce toward values we rediscover.
And for those that are suffering right now, from fear or finances or health, I love you. I do not wish to disrespect or diminish your pain. I only wish that on the other side of this, we are stronger together, because clearly we weren’t strong together before this. And for that, I am sorry, and I have let you down.”
He sent this to me after I said that I think self-isolation makes many people confront the various things that help them self-identify. That if someone identifies as a busy traveler, then well, they’ve lost that identity. That if they identify as the center of the party, then this time is especially hard. And then I said something that made me sit down to write this newsletter:
It’s been fairly easy for me to spend time in self-isolation. It wouldn’t have been as easy three years ago.
2017 was the year that I decided to stop working with Kickstarter. I did so because the work – as much as I loved it – was taking more from me than I was able to give after two years. At some point, whenever I met people, their faces were blurred to me. And Dr. Google says this is a sign of burnout.
I had already asked to cancel my contract three months before so they had time to find someone else. It was around this time I wrote Work Trips and Road Trips.
Those who’ve read #WTART know the book is a dissection of big topics, such as success, mindfulness, and purpose in relation to being a freelancer.
The question that kept haunting me around that time was:
“WHO AM I IF I TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY I DEFINE MYSELF THROUGH?”
For me, that was frequent travel, multi-nationality, a vast network, and being in the know about what’s happening in the world.
And so I stopped traveling. I reduced my interactions with others (especially strangers), and I asked myself that same question over and over again.
I suddenly had the mind space to look at my possessions and question:
“Am I keeping ‘this’ because I’m trying to prove to myself who I am or do I actually need ‘this’?”
“Am I doing ‘this’ because I want to do ‘this’ or because I should do ‘this’?”
“What am I proving to myself and others, and why?”
It was around this time that I was dealing with anxiety, sleepless nights, and grief, feeling helpless in a world that’s filled with misery. That last part most certainly hasn’t changed.
It’s now three years later. And I’m sleeping well and feeling content and happy.
Many of us have been in self-isolation for weeks.
It’s been more than 30 days for my partner and me.
Now the question is: Why was I struggling in 2017 yet feel alright today, during our society’s biggest health crisis?
I’d say it’s mostly because of how I identify myself. And some other things too...
One of the most significant changes I made in my lifestyle is one I also feel is very controversial. Three years ago, I didn’t understand people who didn’t read the newspaper and I’ve now become one of them. (It’s almost ironic because I do work with political institutions.)
To elaborate on this, there are three reasons I don’t follow the day-to-day news:
It’s hard to keep track when following the news every day. The world is so complex, and the media is too focused on click-worthy headlines (of which there are too many), so I’d much rather read long-form and well-researched books on the different subjects to have an understanding of what’s actually really happening. So while my knowledge is most likely less broad it’s definitely deeper on certain topics.
If something significant happens, most people will let you know directly or share it on social media.
As much as I feel sad about it, I cannot influence what the whole world is doing. But I can influence how the people who are important to me feel.
Instead of trying to keep up-to-date with what the world is up to, I’m focusing more on making the lives of the people I care about nicer.
I have, for example, started sending birthday cards and Christmas cards and letters to my friends via snail mail. If possible, I’ll drop off self-made things, such as shampoo or a cake, or send a friend a magazine. Last year, I took a number of trips with friends to spend more quality time together, despite living in different countries.
It’s these things I can influence.
I can also change my lifestyle and see my everyday journey as an experience trying to do things better than I did yesterday.
At the beginning of going vegan, for example, I never wanted to be the pain-in-the-ass friend who’s demanding and asking others to make exceptions. Now, I suggest cooking or bringing something vegan instead. And, if people are up for the discussion, I’ll explain that I don’t think the way we’ve eaten in the past is still contemporary. That mad cow disease, SARS, swine flu, and now COVID-19 have all been a result of some animal mishap. We can do better, and I’m happy to write and talk about it because that makes me feel like I’m doing something meaningful.
I can also influence the clients I work with: I’ve not worked with e-commerce, beauty, or similar brands. I want to work with clients that are sustainable, service-oriented, or fall into the basic needs category. While it’s tough at times to stick to the sort of businesses I feel like we need in life and still make a decent living, I nevertheless think it’s worth the effort.
Again, it’s something I can influence. Something that gives me purpose, too!
And the same applies to the time we’re all spending at home now.
I’m lucky to have a dog and be able to go outside at least three times a day for a quick walk.
I did get Orion to help me simplify my life, ground me, and put me on a schedule, and that’s exactly what this dog has done for me. I love her for it. Having her is indeed purely selfish and also significantly adds to my environmental footprint because she refuses to eat anything but canned food and poops four times a day, which makes me burn through a lot of poop bags. We’re a good homebody team. And it’s thanks to her that my need to go to parties and networking events has reduced dramatically. To her, I’m the queen if I stay at home, and I’m happy to self-identify as such.
I’ve also learned over the years that I can meet great people based on what I put out into the world digitally and don’t even need to leave the comfort of my sofa.
I’m not saying I don’t miss being outside, and I am, indeed, completely freaked out by everyone wearing masks. Sure, it would be nice to travel and see my friends. Yet simultaneously, I’m excited about the consciousness and gratitude we’ll all feel when we can do all that again, which is precisely what’s keeping me so positive about this whole situation.
So long story short, on an individual level, I’m fine. And as much as I feel sorry for those who are losing their loved ones without even being able to say goodbye, I’m grateful for the people who are in my life and who I now hear on the phone even more regularly.
Yet, I know that I’m ok because I am happy identifying myself through the simple pleasures of life. I’m proud of myself for getting up every day and cooking my lunch (something I started doing to save money). I’m happy to be my dog’s biggest hero for staying at home, and I’m happy to put a smile on my friends’ faces by sending them a postcard. All simple pleasures accessible to us who are able to stay at home and even in times like these.
I hope you find some good perspective on this situation.
*** of course, there are people who’re going through serious hardship. I’m sharing this post to shed some positive light on the current situation.
